My children are generally deemed to be quite well-behaved. They're fairly calm in public, reasonably respectful of other people and property, interested in the world, happy. But the same isn't always the case at home. There is plenty of the usual sniping, the odd bit of physical violence, deliberate winding up of siblings... and they often don't do as I ask them.
Gregoria is the most obedient of the three (four!), partly because she's the oldest and partly because she's just that sort of person. Victor is much less so; he's younger of course, and he's often just caught up in his own thoughts which are much more interesting, inevitably, than requests to brush his teeth. Perpetua is, well, still more often in the terrible twos than the fabulous fours.
I don't ask that much of them -- I don't think. In the mornings they are supposed to get dressed, make their beds and put their pyjamas away before breakfast. (With help if required.) After breakfast they are supposed to brush their teeth and wash their faces.
After meals I expect them to help clear the table and (usually after breakfast only), unload the dishwasher.
At the end of the day they have to tidy up the toys that are out. (We don't have a separate learning/play area.)
Well, the above 'chores' are a source of frequent tension here. Yesterday, after lunch, there was the worst meltdown yet. There was shouting. There was rage. A cupboard door was even kicked. By me. Oh yes, I was mightily unimpressed that the children would not help me clear the table, load/unload the dishwasher, or put away the shopping that was still lingering from the previous day's delivery.
(As a sidenote: it was just hours after I'd been to confession and expressed my remorse for all the nagging and impatience with the children. Squeaky clean soul all besmirched again...)
I issued all sorts of threats and punishments. People were sent to their rooms, favourite activities were threatened to be taken away; it was horrible.
Well, I calmed down, got the people out of their rooms, apologised for all the shouting. While I was sitting feeding Francis the kitchen was cleared up even to the point of the floor being swept (unasked). Later, on the way back from the favourite activity (stupid and petty to even think of taking it away) I suggested that we turn over a new leaf. All just try to Be Nice to each other. (Starting with me!) I reinstated lost privileges. Great was the rejoicing.
Meanwhile, like many others, I've been reading and re-reading Lissa's great post on patience and unschooling. That set me off on my own little rabbit trail on unschooling. In particular, the radical concept of Not Requiring Children to Help Around the House.
There's lots of great stuff in the comments on Lissa's post; I wish I had more time to read and ponder and respond. I did have time, though, to explore a little bit of Sandra Dodd's unschooling website, particularly the stuff on chores.
Well, today I had the chance to put it into practice. Victor and Perpetua had breakfast in their pyjamas. That's ok. They did do their 'morning jobs' eventually, mostly, but maybe if I were following the unschooling philosophy I would have let them not? Dunno.
The real chance to try things out came later, though. The house was a mess. The children had pegged together playsilks and sarongs to make a 'flying carpet' (always a favourite game) and added necessary equipment for the journey -- a toy cooker, keys, beloved soft toys, colouring books. I gritted my teeth and let them get on with it, although I dreaded the moment of asking them to tidy it up because the play value of this particular game consists in the setting up, not the playing in, and once it's time to tidy up the need to put 100 things away is too overwhelming, usually, and they just give up, and I nag, and nag, and grumble, and threaten, and all is misery.
Well, today I asked them nicely to tidy up, because our cleaning lady is making her fortnightly visit tomorrow and she needs to be able to get to the floor. I was able to muck in myself because dear little Francis was fast asleep following a nice blast of fresh air when the
The main thing was that I did not moan, or nag. I asked them to help -- and I did allow myself to repeat the request. But if they didn't, I didn't lose it, start a big tantrum about how am I supposed to do all this on my own, why do you make so much mess, don't be lazy, etc etc. The result was the house is pretty tidy, and we are all happy, really. I just made a conscious effort to ditch the resentment.
(Part of the point, apart from the feeling that Things Cannot Go On Like This, was that I'm not really interested in having 'help' if I have to force it out of the children. For all my pious lecturing about us being a team, and having to help each other, it always felt like some carrot or stick was always required. Then, even if the job got done, I felt resentful and put-upon.)
An interesting immediate consequence of non-coercion, as mentioned frequently on the Sandra Dodd website, was that when I asked for other help later on, it was given willingly -- and I got more than I asked for. I asked Gregoria to lay the table. She not only did so, but did it beautifully -- place mats, matching cutlery, and all. Such a loving gesture!
The process of writing this has made me realise, also, that what I think of as 'not many chores', is a lot -- especially for Perpetua, who is only four and, Francis notwithstanding, the baby of the family.
But. I do find it hard to let go of wanting my children to do as I say because I say so. Often, often Mark and I say to the children, 'I never spoke to my parents like this!' I even found myself, yesterday (before the Niceness Epiphany), saying 'I never behaved like this towards my parents. And they weren't even very nice to me most of the time!' Maybe that's the point. We were both smacked as children. We don't smack our own children. But maybe the violent, them-and-us attitude comes out in words instead, in damaging attitudes and pointless punishments?
I suppose one of the reasons that things have come to a head is the arrival of Francis. I just haven't been able to get on with things myself, partly because I had to keep off my feet because of some gynaecological trauma, and also because I've been spending plenty of time feeding him. On the other hand, if I can't bear to see the kitchen a mess, isn't that my problem? Should I really be expecting a 7, 5 and 4 year old to deal with it? No, probably not.
Should I really expect a 7, 5 and 4 year old to clear up their toys? Yes, but with supervision, encouragement, and help.
This is such a paradigm shift for me that it's going to take a while to process. And I'm sure that I'll slip back again into the old nagging ways. Part of me -- the grumpy, negative, pessimistic part -- thinks 'It'll never work.' But actually, it can't not work. From today's experience, the children did as much helping as they usually do, but happily. I got as much help as I usually do (more, probably), but I accepted it joyfully instead of grudgingly.
So this is what they mean by 'glass half full'!
For a later post: how does all this relate to original (and actual) sin? Shouldn't I be trying to 'train' my children? (I can sketch that out already. I was doing a pretty shoddy job of training them in the 'old days'.) And can I really let it permeate into all aspects of our lives? Chuck away the workbooks? The read-alouds? (I wouldn't be allowed to do the latter, I'm sure of that.)
My time is now up and I need to get to bed. What is for sure is that in order to practise mindful and above all respectful parenting I need to sleep. Good night!
4 comments:
All good thoughts. We have the same issues around the same daily things-- cleaning up is always very fraught, though sometimes they take me by surprise: today both big kids and their friend dove into the boys' room and began sorting and packing toys, which surprised me mightily. We have this big portable storage unit being delivered to our driveway tomorrow, so we can empty the house preparatory to selling it -- "empty" as in, down to the essentials. I'm looking forward to it -- six weeks of minimalist living. "And here is your lego brick, and here is YOUR lego brick . . . have fun!"
I haven't visited Sandra's site, but I think I will. Certainly the coercive approach doesn't work for us very well. What does work is working together, just as you described, though too often we leave it so late that either the adults are busy doing other things and just bark at the children to get it done, or the children are too tired, or both. Not a winner. But on the occasions when we can pull ourselves together to model the kind of self-discipline we want out of them, things go better.
It is harder with a new baby. Disruptive on all levels, even when you are on your feet. And even though you know things will normalize before too long, those days before normalcy sets in can seem eternal. Hope you're starting to feel better, at least.
Oh, I share your pain. A good friend of mine always says, "Never expect what you don't inspect." This has become one of the most important parenting lessons I have ever learned.
Very thoughtful post. I wonder how this pans out in a large family. For instance, in a family of BOYS nobody wants to clean the bathroom. But if Mom is not the one making the bathroom gross, should she be the one expected to clean it? Maybe I'm just overly skeptical, but I really can't see my ds volunteering to take on the job. What's right in a situation like this?
I do wonder if this approach might be good for my dd, who dawdles excessively, mostly because she is thinking Big Thoughts. I do not want to discourage the thinking of Big Thoughts, but watching her take 45 minutes to unload the dishwasher (she's almost 9) is so *painful* to me. My nagging has to stop, though.
Of course, the other problem is that if a job depends on me to do it, it generally won't get done in a regular fashion, because I have 3 kids under the age of 3 to attend to. Someone always needs a diaper change, or to be fed, or is fighting with his brother, or has fallen down, or has pulled all the books out of the bookcase, or is climbing the bookcase... If, ultimately, I am the one responsible for everything around the house and depend only on the kids *wanting* to help me, it seems like chores would be very hit and miss. Maybe the dishes would be done one morning and not the next; laundry would be erratic; the house would not be picked up every day, but only some days... Not that our house is ever *really* tidy as it stands, but still.
When we all work together, the kids *are* more willing to work. This makes sense to me. But we are all working on different jobs (well, those old enough to really have jobs). And I do really mean it when I tell the kids I count on them to do their work; the house can't function without it.
All interesting stuff to contemplate here...
My thoughts as a mother of both teenagers and toddlers - requiring any child under the age of 7 to do regular chores is a complete waste of everybody's time, energy and temper. They are just not developmentally ready to understand anybody else's point of view. So for under 7's I do what you have discovered is working - ask for help, then mindfully role-model the behaviour I am after. 'Littles' are programmed to copy their parents, so when we 'walk the walk' so do they. And if we don't expect anything from them, then when we get help we can be lavish in our praise, which of course inspires them to help again...
Our older children do have chores, but they understand why. I have tried to form the habit of asking politely if something hasn't been done, or asking if they have a plan about when they are going to complete a task, or remind them if there is a deadline for some reason. And sometimes I do their chores for them, just for a treat, or if they are low, just as I would for their dad, or for a friend.
Oh, and the 7 yo still needs plenty of help, little stories about the housework mice, encouragement and praise in her regular chores.
And if I am completely exhausted and need everyone to pitch in, bribery in the form of chocolate biscuits never fails!
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